Turning 33: The Stories I Let Go
On the eve of my 33rd birthday, I spent three hours waiting in line to get a COVID test at the local clinic around the corner from my Brooklyn apartment, body shivering as the cold beat through my wool coat like it was play play. Every bone was screaming to find warmth, but I was on a mission to be responsible and know my COVID status, and it was the only chance I had to get my results in the time I required. I had to tolerate the pain to achieve the goal, a consistent theme throughout not just this year, but my life.
In my now 33 years of age, I’ve become comfortable with being uncomfortable, of persevering through anxiety, uncertainty, physical strain, limited resources, racism, sexism, classism, fatphobia and more towards goals that seemed laughable given my circumstances. Goals I’ve had to continuously mold like play dough every time a new twist and turn occurred. In this shit show of the year 2020, I’ve had plenty of time between quarantine days and nights to reflect on my life, my goals, our society, and the small and large ways I want to show up in the world around me. One of the biggest lessons of my life this year is the shedding of stories.
2020 will go down in history as our generation’s great reflection, resilience, and reframing. It was as if we owed the universe money and the universe popped up at our doorsteps with hands greased up, hair slicked back, and a baseball bat ready to collect due payment. It was a painful wake up call and I have never in my life witnessed the collective raising of consciousness that I’ve witnessed this year, with individuals questioning the stories they believed to be truths about themselves and the world. Stories about love, success, happiness, health, race, and more that felt as comforting as an all you can eat buffet of buttermilk biscuits with jam but made us feel ill when that’s all we were subsisting on with no other nutrients to provide balance.
If you know me through my work at The New Quo or through my personal life, you know I love stories. I tell them, talk about them, teach them, ponder them, flip and rearrange them. Stories swaddle our ideas and experiences with meaning. Some of those stories help us remember who we are, and are a tradition passed on through cannon, but many of the deepest stories we hold can become barriers between who we are and who can and hope to be.
I teach, speak, and write on the topic of narrative intelligence, which is the idea that stories are the most powerful tool for personal and social behavior change. In honor of my birthday, I want to share some of the stories that I have began to reframe and shed:
“Creativity is a self-indulgent activity.” You may relate to the diss track that runs in most of our heads around what we can or can’t make. Every time I’ve tapped into my creativity in a way that’s not for someone else’s agenda, I immediately hear the story that creativity brings pain, judgement, and is childish and is a self-indulgent activity. It’s fascinating how play and creativity is so different for adults versus kids. Kids chase their inner curiosity with no set plan, no goal, no road map, leaving a mess behind but learning along the way and caring little about how their creations are perceived. My play as a kid always evolved around broadcasting - projecting ideas and news and wisdom to the world. Whether it was a news show, raps and songs, or discussions, I recorded them on my Girl Talk audio recording toy that lived and died within the same decade when tapes became obsolete (and now I’m really aging myself). I dreamed Oprah like dreams, not knowing that was what I was creating while playing. How you played as a kid is truly telling about the genuine soul of who you are. It’s pure and untouched - no influence other than the innate drive to explore and express that every single kid holds. How do we bring that magic, and wonder back into our lives, while maintaining the necessary day to day that’s imperative to survival in our current modern society? It’s a question I think about regularly that I think is connected to my gift and mission in the world - to have every person tap into their inner power and express the stories of their lives. And with the many challenges our society is facing environmentally, politically, socially, economically we need every person on this planet in tune with their creativity and problem solving skills. Every time I hear this story that creativity is a self indulgent activity I counter it with the thought that, “I am allowed to nurture my artist. My creativity can heal myself and others, and creativity is a central part of the human experience and necessary for wellbeing.”
“Any relationship/friendship failure is solely my fault.” I’ve gone through my fair share of break ups including friendship breakups and romantic breakups. Studies show that from the late 20s into 30s most individuals have a significant shift in their personal relationships, many times individual’s social circles become more truncated and intimate during this time period. When I would experience the dissolution of a friendship or relationship in the past, my first immediate response was to believe I was at the center of the failure -- that it was solely my fault or my lack that meant the end, but ends are a necessary part of growth, and happen from a variety of factors from both parties. Relationships need to go through rupture and repair; it’s what builds intimacy and a solid foundation. A solid relationship should be able to withstand the test of conflict and become closer once conflict is resolved. Avoiding healthy conflict can also mean avoiding intimacy. The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that quality and depth matters more than quantity of connections, and I have finally reframed the story of “there’s something wrong with me” from experiencing these endings to “I am out growing the connection we had and our needs have changed for each person in the connection.” Everyone is at their own stages of what they are able to tolerate and give in terms of intimacy and connection. And the more intentional I’ve been with who I surround myself with and invest my time into, the happier and more fulfilled my life has been. Reciprocity, acceptance, and genuine support are the backbone of the people who are in my life currently and I’m really grateful to realize that endings create spaces for growth and new connections.
“Making an impact and making a living can’t occur at the same time.” At the beginning of the year before Covid hit I had multiple large potential corporate gigs lined up, and things were looking up. As soon as Covid hit, all of my gigs and plans were cancelled. I was debating shutting down The New Quo and creating a new plan. I went through a 360 degree planning process of looking at the worst case, middle case, and best case scenarios with triggers of behaviors I would try depending on whatever circumstances developed, which allowed me to continue forward in the uncertainty, and I’m so glad I did. My business has now made six figures, I’ve launched national projects and spoken to people across the country. And at the center of it all was a goal to leverage my passions and talents in ways that I knew could solve for problems of inequity, leadership, and inclusion that I’m insatiably curious about. And I’ve been able to do this in the ways that work best for me - teaching, performing, speaking and writing. The belief I held for so many years that to do what I loved meant it would be a side hobby wasn’t true. The more I’ve shown up as my fullest authentic self and incorporating that into my work, the more successful I’ve become.
I didn’t ring in 33 like I normally would have but this year has made me so incredibly grateful for life, as for so many individuals 2020 was the last year they were able to experience and see on this earth. I’m excited to continue to shift my own narratives and rewrite my own story, because this chapter I’m currently on is only going to get better.