Why Bias and Microaggressions Matter For Your Relationships
Our brains make thousands of decisions each day - from what to wear, to what to eat, to what we believe. In that process, our brains also create shortcuts so we can make decisions without much thought. Some of those unconscious tendencies and mental shortcuts are biases, such as affinity bias.
Affinity bias is an unconscious tendency to prefer people who are like ourselves and this bias influences how we perceive others. When affinity bias is triggered, we’re more likely to make positive assumptions about individuals who are more like ourselves. Although it can feel affirming to find commonalities and belonging with people most like ourselves, affinity bias can also cause us to perceive people who are different from us more negatively by increasing the negative stereotypes and assumptions we hold about individuals who are different from us.
For example, if you don’t wear hoodies and prefer to associate with people who also don’t wear hoodies, while assuming people who do wear hoodies are more suspicious, affinity bias can be at play. Making connections with people like ourselves isn’t necessarily a bad thing -- this bias becomes problematic if a majority of our personal connections are solely with individuals like ourselves. Affinity bias reduces belonging, increases stereotyping of outside groups, and disrupts a community from functioning at it’s fullest potential because of a lack of meaningful communication and relationships between groups of people who are different from one another.
This affinity bias can also lead to individuals communicating primarily in stereotypes and microaggressions.
What is a microaggression?
Microaggressions are defined as everyday, verbal or non-verbal, comments, attitudes, behaviors, or insults, that target a person based on their marginalized identity. They can be intentional or unintentional and sometimes so subtle that it is often hard to know if you are committing one or on the receiving end.
Microaggressions can be complex, ambiguous and at times, intended to be complimentary on the surface. For example saying to a lesbian, "You don't look like you're gay!," though the intention might be to give a compliment, the statement could insinuate that there is something wrong with being gay. Other examples include telling a disabled person, “You are so capable, I did not know you could do that” or saying to a person of color “You are so articulate.” The intention of these remarks could be to flatter the recipients, but in reality can appear patronizing, revealing lower expectations of the abilities of the person with the disability or the person of color.
Microaggressions can also be expressed through body language, imagine a woman clutching her bag when a Black man enters the elevator, reinforcing deep-rooted racial stereotypes. Constantly experiencing microaggressions can be harmful to the physical and mental well-being of those that receive them, due to its collective impact.
You can think of a microaggression like a bee sting. Bee stings can be a nuisance and slightly painful, however, one bee sting here or there is not a big deal. The issue happens when some people are constantly stung; at work, at the gym, in the grocery line, watching tv, picking up their kids, and in other aspects of their daily lives. The constant and collective impact of all those stings becomes damaging to that person and turns into a big deal. Also, that person might then have a strong reaction to the next bee sting, which may seem like a huge overreaction to those who are rarely stung.
Common Microaggressions
Coded language is a type of a microaggression where individuals subtly tap into biases about race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and more, without being explicit about it. It describes the use of phrases that are so often targeted towards a particular group of people, that the term then becomes synonymous with that group of people. Language is powerful. The words we use and the perceptions and images they evoke, affect every aspect of our society.
One example of a coded phrase is “urban youth.” Normally in an urban area, you are likely to find individuals from different backgrounds and ethnicities, however, this epithet has become a racialized term, interchangeable with describing Black and Hispanic youth. This phrase is coded because there’s typically a negative connotation and image indirectly indicated (i.e. urban youth meaning poor Black and Brown individuals with negative assumptions of characteristics implied).
Other common examples of coded language are the use of the racially charged term “thug” to describe men of color who are not necessarily doing anything wrong, or “bossy” to describe women who are simply assertive. Both terms reinforce old-fashioned stereotypes and prejudices.
Coded language affects us both on a conscious and unconscious level. It is important to be self-aware and notice when we use and hear coded language to become better communicators and to have better relationships with individuals not like ourselves.
The act of asking self-reflective questions (such as the ones below) can assist in recognizing words and phrases that have racist and other discriminatory connotations. When thinking through whether a term is coded language in a post or communication, ask yourself the following questions:
What words and phrases do I use now that indicate an immediate stereotype or negative image of a group?
When describing a group of people, how can I explicitly describe them without using coded language?
When in an environment where coded language is being used, how do I or how will I react and respond?
Coded language can be ambiguous and implicit, however by choosing to be intentional about the words we use, we are able to better promote a space of belonging and inclusivity for all. For further suggested reading on coded language, check out Coded Language is Part of Our Racist Education System.
Tone policing is another common microaggression can be described as the attempt to diminish or thwart the validity of a person’s statement about a negative behavior by attacking how an issue was brought up or denying the issue even exists. It can occur during conversations when one person, typically with more privilege or power, dismisses the speaker's grievances by focusing solely on the emotional tone or invalidating the person’s valid concerns about the issue being discussed. It exists in both online and offline spaces and can be used as a tool to invalidate the feelings and experiences of the person who was harmed in the interaction.
Imagine revealing an event in your life that was deeply personal or even traumatic, and while speaking your truth, the focus of the listener instead of being on the experiences you are sharing, is on the tone that you are using. The listener might even respond, without empathy, and say that “You sound emotional” or “You sound angry,” or “You should be kinder when speaking about that,” even though your tone is understandable, due to the emotional nature of your story. The statements and the reaction of the listener is an example of tone policing.
Another example of tone policing is if a member of a forum was to create a passionate post about the negative experiences they encounter due to their marginalized identity. After the post, the person is not met with understanding but instead with unempathetic comments such as “You’re overreacting”, “You don’t need to get all worked up over this”, or “Your points would resonate better if you were kinder.” or “Let’s not make this about race.” The underlying tone in these messages (even if well-intentioned) is that the initial poster should have delivered their experiences in a way that was more palatable and tailored to the comfort of others. The idea that there is a right way and a wrong way to speak about one's experiences (even when traumatic), or that it has to be packaged in a certain box to be heard, dismisses the contents of what the speaker is trying to say.
Next time you are in a discussion, with someone who is sharing their experiences, asking yourself the following self-reflective questions, might be helpful in preventing tone policing and in creating a more productive and impactful dialogue:
In what ways can I focus on what the person is saying and not solely on how they are saying it?
In what ways can I be empathetic and listen to what is being said, to better understand the viewpoint of the speaker?
What else do I need to know or research in order to have a well rounded understanding of what the speaker is trying to communicate instead of dismissing what they are saying?
Slowing down, actively listening, and leaning into compassionate empathy can create an environment where everyone can feel seen and heard, further fostering a sense of belonging and inclusion. For further suggested reading on tone policing, check out this Business Insider article.
Racial color blindness is a one of the most common microaggressions particularly when discussing or dealing with racial issues. It’s the idea that race or color should not be taken into account or even noticed in order to promote equality and end discrimination. Although the goals can be positive in intention, many times a colorblind philosophy endorses assimilation and erasure of culture for an individual to be accepted within a dominant culture or racial group.
Biologically speaking, the concept of race does not exist. Race is a social construct that was created and developed by society and then applied to individuals and groups to distribute implicit and explicit resources inequitable laws and practices. Another example of a social construct is money, where its value is not material but socially constructed.
Though money is a social construct, it is still very real and has a huge impact on our lives. It can determine what kind of access we have to basic needs such as food, shelter, medical services, and more. The amount of money a person has or does not have can affect the way they navigate through the world and influence their lived experiences. The same can be said for race, though a social construct, it can still play a powerful role in a person’s daily life and their past history.
At face value, the idea of being color blind, or "not seeing race" can appear as a good thing. However even when well-intentioned, disregarding race can be problematic as it can result in ignoring the racialized lived experiences of people of color and situations where bias, discrimination, or racism can come into play. In order to dismantle systems of inequity based on race, we must make those systems visible to all and be open to having a dialogue about race. The focus on racial sameness can also make it tricky to acknowledge the value of the ethnic and racial cultures and identities of others.
The world is full of diversity and the fact that you notice race is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing! It is also human for our brains to make judgments based on race before we even have a second to process them. Unfortunately ignoring race does not eradicate racism, therefore it is important to critically recognize your own conscious or unconscious racial biases when you do see color or are engaged in a racial discussion. Being self-aware and being open to having meaningful yet challenging conversations about race, can help in acknowledging the inequities faced by people of color and allow you to be a better ally. For further reading on the topic of color blindness, check out this Harvard publication.
When looked at individually, racial microaggressions can appear small and inconsequential. Therefore these microaggressions are often not readily identified by people who have little experience of them. Some marginalized people might even worry that speaking out about a seemingly “trivial” incident or bringing up the fact that a marginalized identity might have played a part, could be perceived by others as “blowing things out of proportion,” or “playing identity politics.” This then puts minorities who experience microaggressions in a tricky spot, resulting in many groups remaining silent.
We all have hidden biases that can lead to microaggressions. These biases are shaped by culture and lived experiences. Becoming aware of the incorrect assumptions you’ve picked up is the first step to making productive change. Another tip to prevent microaggressions is to focus not on intent but on impact. Well-meaning people can still cause harm, so it’s important to separate your intention from the impact of your words and actions. Being open and constantly vigilant of your biases, reflecting on your own attitudes, stereotypes, and expectations can help in combating microaggressions and creating a space of belonging and inclusivity. For further suggested reading on microaggressions, check out this Psychology today article.